a day in the life

you need to get up and move because there are things to be done and you just can’t. there’s a deadline looming and your feet won’t budge. you tell yourself to do it, that there will be consequences if you don’t, but you don’t care. you don’t care about much. you’re going to disappoint someone but the blankness has you in its grip. chaos builds up around you and you don’t have the energy to be vigilant against it so it builds and builds til you’re crushed under the weight of things left undone and the world unravelling slowly around you and if you didn’t have any energy before now you really don’t. just looking at a task saps the life out of you. you know what needs to be done but your feet won’t move. that part of you that is sane and rational and wants you to live and be happy, it’s fighting a titanic struggle with the sucking void. most of your moments are that struggle. you watch as your will is hammered back again and again by apathy and inaction. it doesn’t help that you’re good at these colourful turns of phrase. everything is cast into much more dramatic terms. the void is lent strength by your strengths, the things that people praise about you just make it stronger. you’re smart and creative and imaginative and resourceful, and so is your enemy. your ability to analyse a problem is turned in on yourself and you burn an ever widening hole in your heart with your laser-like focus. you’re bleeding out and no one can see. what they see is the detritus of the battle. things left undone because you’re walking wounded but they can’t see it, so you’re just lazy. there’s something wrong with you but it’s a character flaw, a moral failing, nothing else. you can overcome it if you try and you’re not trying hard enough. 

you’d try harder if you could just get up and move.

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