I’m going to sound like a total drama queen for the enth time. I don’t like it. I find it difficult to reconcile. I wish I could be subtle and clever but I’m not. if I were I would probably be a better artist. instead, I am obvious and clumsy and entirely unoriginal. this of course is one of the things that stops me in my tracks when I think about letting anyone else see my work. I’ve already judged myself and what I produced before anyone sees it, and I have eyes in my head. I know it’s not objectively new and interesting, so it’s a bloody miracle if I’m happy enough with something to let it see the light of day.
I digress. I’m going to sound like a drama queen because somehow I have this idea that if I describe how I feel, people might just possibly understand and forgive me for being less than they are. I get told not to be so hard on myself, but the world is hard on me, so why should I judge myself differently? there are more voices that tell me I’m worthless than there are telling me the opposite. I’m overweight and I overthink and I’m introverted and I prefer reading to parties unless there’s alcohol involved. someone actually recently asked me “do you read books?” of course I mocked them mercilessly, but it still stung. this was someone completely accepted by society – thin, energetic, sociable, outdoorsy, mainstream interests. the kind of person I grew up around, and the kind of person who makes me feel like some kind of strange aberration.
why should it matter to me? the million dollar question and the one I really can’t answer. honestly I try not to care. and I don’t spend my life agonising about what individuals think of me. it’s more that I internalise their message. I’m not going to stop reading books or enjoying them, but I am going to continue to feel like I’m different to what’s accepted by the majority. very never wanted to try to be who I’m not just to fit in, but I do want to celebrated by more than the people who know me and articulate what they like about me without criticism.
it’s easy to say fuck the haters. maybe I’d be better at it if I weren’t fat AND awkward AND bookish AND a tech nerd AND introverted AND female AND ethnic AND serious AND a drama nerd AND a sci-fi/fantasy nerd AND a crafter and every other uncool or marginalised aspect of my identity.
this post has gotten away from me, and I’m hungry and I have a headache and this much psychoanalysis on an empty stomach is starting to go nowhere fast. it’s getting published now because I have a policy about drafts that I’m trying to stick to. at least this way the ideas are out there and percolating rather than sitting unpublished and stagnating.
(insert clever sign off here)